MARRIAGE PREPARATION P. 3/5

Are You Ready for Marriage?

It is important for EACH ONE OF YOU to reflect on whether you are ready for marriage, especially for a Catholic marriage. We hope you will return to this question many times during your preparation.

As you discuss the questions below, please take seriously any differences you discover in your views. A marriage between two people who do not share basic values, hopes or plans can become very difficult.

If you discover serious differences or have doubts but still wish to continue preparing for marriage, please consider talking to a qualified couples counselor. Do not ignore these differences or assume that they will simply disappear after the wedding.

Also, be careful about discussing your relationship problems and doubts with family members or friends. They may have the best intentions, but they are not necessarily trained to help couples work through difficult issues. Remember, too, that your future spouse deserves privacy and respect. Before sharing a personal issue with someone else, ask yourself: How would I feel if my future spouse discussed this matter with their family or friends?

One possible POSITIVE outcome of marriage preparation is that you decide NOT TO MARRY. This is not a failure! The sooner you realize that you may not be right for each other, the sooner you can make an honest decision about your future.

Since you are reading this, you probably believe that you have found the right person. We hope you are right! Nevertheless, be prepared: discussing the questions below may lead to some surprising discoveries about yourselves and each other. That is precisely why these conversations are so important.

You do NOT have to comment on this post or answer any of the questions below. 

Questionnaire

(1) understanding Catholic marriage

(2) readiness for marriage

Purpose of this guide

The questionnaire is a conversation starter, not a psychological test or a marriage-readiness scorecard. A disagreement between the couple is not automatically a problem. In many cases, discovering a difference before marriage is precisely what makes the preparation valuable.

Reviewing the Questionnaire

“Which questions produced the biggest differences between your answers?”

“Was there anything on the questionnaire that surprised you about your fiancé(e)?”

“Was there anything you found difficult to answer?”

“Is there anything you would like to discuss with me privately?”

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(1)    Priority Area: Catholic Marriage

·       What do you believe you are promising to each other?

·       What does “for better or for worse” mean to you?

·       What does permanence mean?

·       What does fidelity require?

·       What does it mean to marry sacramentally?

·       How will your faith actually affect your married life?

·       Review and post a reflection on the Questions Before Consent (10-40 words): https://www.foryourmarriage.org/the-questions-before-consent/

·       Review and post a reflection on the Wedding Vows (= the Consent) (2 options: A and B; see below) (10-40 words):

Form A:

(the groom):  I, N., take you, N., to be my wife.  I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health,  to love you and to honor you all the days of my life. 

(the bride):  I, N., take you, N., to be my husband.  I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health,  to love you and to honor you all the days of my life. 

Form B:

(the groom):  I, N., take you, N., for my lawful wife,  to have and to hold, from this day forward,  for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,  to love and to cherish until death do us part. 

(the bride):  I, N., take you, N., for my lawful husband,  to have and to hold, from this day forward,  for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,  to love and to cherish until death do us part. 

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(2)     Priority Area: Freedom and Readiness

“If there were no wedding date, no pregnancy, no financial considerations, no family expectations, and no social pressure, would you still freely choose to marry one another?”

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(3)     Priority Area: Communication and Conflict

the couple: Think back to your most recent serious disagreement.

Then ask:

What started it?

What did each of you want?

What did each of you actually say?

How did the disagreement end?

Was the underlying problem resolved?

What would you do differently next time?

Pay particular attention to

contempt;

intimidation;

threats;

manipulation;

extreme jealousy;

controlling behavior;

refusal to communicate;

inability to apologize;

physical aggression;

fear of the partner.

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(4)    Priority Area: Money

“Suppose you suddenly lost half of your household income. What would you expect the two of you to do?”

Then explore:

debt;

spending habits;

financial secrecy;

gambling;

savings;

shared versus separate accounts;

support for relatives;

major purchases;

career priorities.

Important question

“Is there anything about your financial situation that your fiancé(e) does not know?”

A “yes” deserves careful follow-up.

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(5)     Priority Area: Children

“If you could know today exactly how many children you would have, would your answer be the same as your fiancé(e)'s?”

Then discuss:

desire for children;

infertility;

openness to life;

Natural Family Planning;

adoption;

disability;

discipline;

Catholic education;

grandparents' involvement;

work and childcare.

Particular concern

A fundamental unresolved disagreement about whether to have children is not simply a difference in parenting style. It requires serious pastoral discussion before marriage.

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(6)    Priority Area: Sexuality

Explore:

expectations about intimacy;

ability to communicate about sex;

fidelity;

pornography;

sexual history where relevant;

fertility;

contraception;

Natural Family Planning;

possible sexual difficulties;

expectations concerning children.

“If your sexual relationship were difficult for a period of time because of illness, pregnancy, infertility, or another circumstance, how would you remain close as a couple?”

The goal is to determine whether they can enter marriage with honesty, fidelity, mutual respect, and a Catholic understanding of sexuality.

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(7)     Cohabiting Couples

This section deserves a separate conversation rather than merely checking whether Questions 53–57 were answered “yes.”

Begin nonjudgmentally:

“Think back to your decision to begin living together.”

What did cohabitation mean to each of you at the time?

Did you see it as preparation for marriage?

Did you see it as a way of discovering whether you were compatible?

What have you learned about each other by living together?

What difficulties have you discovered?

Has living together made it easier or harder to talk about difficult issues?

How do you understand the difference between cohabitation and marriage?

Why are you choosing marriage now?

What do you think will actually change after the wedding?

What does the Church ask of you regarding sexual intimacy before marriage?

Would you be willing to consider living separately before the wedding?

If not, what practical obstacles would make that difficult?

Pastoral principle

In your reflections, avoid two extremes:

Extreme 1: Minimizing

“We're already basically married, so the cohabitation issue doesn't really matter.”

Extreme 2: Condemnation

“Because we are cohabiting, our relationship is invalid and we cannot have a meaningful marriage.”

Neither approach adequately represents the Church's pastoral purpose.

By talking to a priest or facilitator, try to deepen your understanding regarding:

why the Church distinguishes cohabitation from marriage;

why sexual intimacy belongs within marriage;

what sacramental consent will actually change;

what conversion and preparation might look like;

what practical steps you can take before the wedding.

If you are willing to live separately, make a realistic plan.

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(8)     Faith and Practice

“Imagine your life five years after the wedding. What would Catholic faith actually look like in your household?”

Explore:

Sunday Mass;

personal prayer;

prayer together;

confession;

religious education;

baptism of children;

Catholic schooling;

parish involvement;

religious differences between spouses.

The question is not whether the couple has identical spirituality. The question is whether they can build a shared Catholic life.

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(9)    Family Boundaries

“If your parents strongly disagreed with a decision you made as a married couple, whose decision would ultimately prevail?”

Then discuss:

holidays;

financial assistance;

elderly parents;

family traditions;

childcare;

privacy;

former spouses;

in-laws.

A healthy answer generally recognizes that the newly married couple becomes a new family unit while still maintaining appropriate relationships with their families of origin.

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(10)                              Technology and Modern Pressures

“What technology-related habit of your fiancé(e) would you most like to change?”

Discuss:

pornography;

social media;

private messaging;

opposite-sex friendships;

gaming;

excessive phone use;

online privacy;

financial purchases;

time spent together without devices.

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(11)                              Final Readiness Conversation

At the end, the priest  / facilitator may ask each person separately:

To each fiancé(e)

“On a scale from 1 to 10, how freely and confidently are you choosing this marriage?”

Finally:

“Is there anything you have not told your fiancé(e) or me because you are afraid of what might happen if you did?”

Allow a private conversation with each person if appropriate.

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(12)                              Green Flags

The couple generally appears well prepared when they demonstrate:

honest communication;

realistic expectations;

ability to disagree respectfully;

willingness to forgive;

financial transparency;

shared understanding of Catholic marriage;

freedom from significant external pressure;

reasonable agreement about children;

willingness to learn Natural Family Planning;

capacity to discuss sexuality maturely;

healthy boundaries with families;

willingness to seek help when needed;

genuine concern for the other's good;

willingness to grow spiritually together.

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(13)                              Yellow Flags — More Preparation Recommended

Consider additional discussion, counseling, or preparation when there is:

substantial disagreement about children;

serious unresolved family conflict;

significant financial secrecy;

repeated unresolved arguments;

substantial religious disagreement;

unresolved previous relationships;

pornography or sexual difficulties;

serious doubts about marriage;

major disagreement about where to live or career priorities;

dependence on the wedding to solve an existing relationship problem;

cohabitation accompanied by an unwillingness to discuss its implications.

A yellow flag does not automatically mean that the couple should not marry.

It means:

“We need to understand and work on this before marriage.”

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(14)                              Red Flags — Do Not Simply Proceed as Normal

The facilitator should seek appropriate professional, pastoral, or diocesan guidance when there is evidence of:

physical violence;

credible threats;

coercive control;

fear of the other partner;

serious addiction;

severe untreated mental-health concerns affecting the relationship;

deliberate financial deception;

undisclosed major debt or legal obligations;

serious deception about previous marriage or relationships;

one party clearly saying that he or she does not want to marry;

coercion to marry;

fundamental rejection of an essential element of Catholic marriage.

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(15)                              Suggested Final Session

To each person:

1. What have you learned about your fiancé(e) during this preparation that makes you more grateful for this person?

2. What is one area in which you personally need to grow before marriage?

3. What is one concrete promise you want to make to your future spouse as you begin married life?

Then conclude by returning to the sacramental vocation:

Marriage preparation is not preparation for a wedding day. It is preparation for a vocation. The wedding lasts a day; the covenant is intended to shape the whole of your life.